Breaking Bad With KY Jelly

Trickle Down Abnormal

(This story is a bit longer than usual otherwise, it could not be told)

So much has happened during my life that I am never at a loss for something interesting to write about. There were absolutely no boring periods and few were even normal because my family is not boring or normal. I’m not normal, so I guess it “trickles down”. I do some normal things like going to Walmart when I absolutely have to. And if there is one good thing about Walmart, it is clearly a writer’s garden and the catalyst for this peculiar and embarrassing story. The subject is KY Jelly. Yep, like the title says, I’m going to write about KY Jelly, Breaking Bad, and nothing normal to see here.

Rolling Eyes Tell Lies

I probably couldn’t do it myself, but if you could find it in your heart? Try to get your mind out of the gutter. There are multiple uses for this slippery stuff. I looked it up. Why did I look it up you may ask? Well, first let me say: I recently drafted a post about not being judgmental of other people. (I should probably put a link to that story somewhere around here) The reason I needed KY Jelly was for a medical condition. I can’t see your face, but I am absolutely positive you are rolling your eyes way back into your head. Just hear me out. “You’ll thank me later.”

A Slippery Subject

So, I had to have a colonoscopy (which I spelled without spell-check) It’s not my first rodeo. They use tons of KY Jelly during that procedure, or I hope they did. I always see large tubes of it on the table before they give me the “happy drug.” As a side note: I work at this facility where I am abiding this procedure. There are always three or four nurses and techs in there assisting the Doc and I know every one of them. That’s right, I have learned to live with total humiliation. It would be just like one of them to forego the KY Jelly for some perceived wrong I may have committed.

This time my results were pretty good, just a few chronic conditions to deal with. One of which is internal hemorrhoids (I couldn’t spell that one without spell-check) Don’t know about you but I didn’t know that was a thing. I was convinced that one or more of those same co-workers thought it would be great fun to invent this condition and afflict me with it. There was even a nice, clear, color photo of them bad boys (that could have been faked) But I had to admit something was causing my symptoms. At least they were internal, not out in the open where everybody could see them.

Groceries, Suppositories, And KY Jelly

Not long after the colonoscopy thing, these internal bad boys began tormenting me so I went online and found out they made Preparation H just for me. The problem was: for my condition they came as a suppository!! So you see where I’m going with this, but to begin with I’m going to Walmart. It’s Friday, I need a few groceries anyway, and Walmart will have the two other items that I need.

Planning my trip carefully, I leave work at 2:30 before the Friday Walmart stampede. I look up the location of the Preparation H and KY Jelly on my Walmart phone app and pat myself on the back for being tech-savvy and creating such a grand plan for an old guy. I see the KY location is still stored on my phone: Aisle G3..(you’re welcome)

When I got to Walmart the parking lot was already almost full. So much for that part of the plan. I had intended on getting my few groceries and then go over to the pharmacy area. I would find the Prep H while pinpointing the exact location of the KY. Then I would do a rare self-checkout in order to escape quickly and hopefully unnoticed.

A Quick Confession

Now, I know that I should not be concerned with what anybody thinks of me. Lord knows I have done many sinful things, all of them worse than buying KY Jelly. But to be honest, I am a Christian, a widower, and I feared my family finding out (maybe from friends) who may see me buying the stuff. I was wrong to think this way. My sin here was a great big one, PRIDE.

The Elusive KY Jelly

Here’s where this old guy’s entire, grand, tech-savvy plan gets wadded up and tossed into the garbage can. My plan had already gotten off to a feeble start with the only available parking spots being near the vicinity of the pharmacy. I thought it would be quite unreasonable to walk across the store, buy groceries, then walk all the way back to the pharmacy. So, I entered the pharmacy area and easily found Prep H. I also spotted aisle G3 on the way. It happened to be the first aisle next to the pharmacy prescription windows. I walked down aisle G3, up the aisle, back and forth several times, no KY Jelly. Then I looked all over the pharmacy more than once. I checked my phone for possible alternative locations, nothing!!

Men Have Pathetic Direction Asking Skills

I realize now what I have to do. I have no other choice. Men don’t like to ask for help. We don’t like to ask for directions and I certainly don’t want to ask where the KY Jelly is! But I am now committed and not leaving without the stuff. There is KY Jelly somewhere in Walmart. However, I cannot find a male Walmart employee within a stone’s throw. Of course, there seems to be an abundance of female Walmart employees, and Oh good! I even know a couple of them, which I avoid like they have Covid. Can you see how it might be awkward asking a lady you know where the KY Jelly is?

The Cart Girl

Me and my cart (which contains one pack of Preparation H) decide to park at the corner of aisle G3 and the main corridor. We will wait until a Walmart man comes along. None do, but this one Walmart girl keeps pushing an enormous stocking cart back and forth, loading and unloading goods. She finally just stops, looks directly at the Preparation H in my cart, and asks, “sir do you need help?” Reluctant, but knowing I must answer, I just get it over with and ask her where it is. She points at aisle G3 and says: “right there in that gray cabinet” then continues on her way. I can’t say for sure why I didn’t see the gray cabinet, but in my defense, I expect it was because I assumed the KY Jelly would be on a shelf like everything else.

Sure enough, as I walked up to the front of the quite large cabinet, I could see the Jelly as plain as the nose on my red face. Peering through the glass doors I saw outlandish prices of $20-$25 proudly displayed inside. There were KY Jelly kits and combo-packs, all in fancy wrappings and different colors. I wondered where the $5.00 stuff was that I saw on the Walmart website. Grabbing the handle on the gray glass cabinet to look inside and find the cheap stuff, I found it locked. I don’t think I cursed but might as well have because I let out a string of some very detrimental words.

My New Friend ,The Cart Girl

My cart and I returned to the corner of aisle G8 and the main corridor. We waited until the Cart Girl came by again. When I told her the Jelly cabinet was locked, she looked at me in a very condescending way. It was the same way my teenage kids always looked at me each and every time I asked them “anything at all”. She said: “Sir, did you not read the sign?” So, I began looking all around the pharmacy as I blurted out things like what sign? There’s a KY Jelly sign? Why is there a sign?

The Cart Girl was tapping me on the back saying sir, sir, the sign is on the cabinet. There is a button on there that you have to press. I looked back at the Cart Girl and with the most cordial voice I could muster asked her: “would you please unlock the cabinet for me?” But the Cart Girl tells me she has no key and I will have to press the button. Only then will someone from the pharmacy come and unlock the cabinet for me. There were many things going through my mind for a moment just after she said that. This overloaded my brain which kinda went numb. However, I noticed a change in the Cart Girl’s voice. It was softer, no longer condescending. I’m pretty sure, yes it was……pity.

The Twilight Zone

I guess a normal person would toss in the towel about now. After all, Walmart is not the only place to buy KY Jelly. But like I said back up there in the second paragraph, I’m not normal. And what if it’s the same everywhere? Could there be a nationwide shortage of KY Jelly? Maybe they found a way to make meth with KY Jelly. So, because I don’t know the answer to these things I went back to the gray cabinet. Sure enough, there is a sign in the upper right-hand corner that says: “Press for Associate.” Although I fear buzzers and alarms going off everywhere, I go ahead and press the big white button; nothing happens, no sound at all so I don’t even know if the thing really works. This is beginning to seem like a bad Twilight Zone episode. Or maybe it’s a conspiracy, candid camera, or even some sort of sting to catch meth dealers.

Because all the seats in the pharmacy waiting area are taken, I sit down on some cases of protein-energy-powder that are conveniently located near the KY Jelly cabinet. They were probably stacked there by my friend the Cart Girl with her Gigantic Stocking Cart. I am very uncomfortable in more ways than one.

It’s now that I see how really crowded the pharmacy is and as I said, all seats were taken. The line to the prescription windows extended completely out of the pharmacy area. I notice some of the people are looking at me. A few nearby ones are looking at me whispering and maybe snickering, but I wasn’t sure. Looking at my phone I see it’s almost 3:30. I have been there about 45 minutes lurking in the pharmacy, mostly around the KY Jelly cabinet. Lord only knows how much of my conversation these people in the waiting area may have heard and now I am sitting on these cases of protein-energy- powder. Even though I’m in my uniform, and wearing a nametag. These folks may think I am some deviant creep. What if they really are making meth from KY Jelly nowadays? Not only could I be a creep but a possible drug dealer.

The Key Lady

I have caused myself to become paranoid now, sitting there on the protein-energy-powder, waiting to see what’s going to happen to me. Maybe they called the cops? Looking behind the extremely busy pharmacy counter I can see there is little chance any one of them will be coming out here to get me any KY Jelly. (What does associate mean anyway?) And since I have convinced myself the cops might be coming, I decided to leave my Preparation H and just get the heck out of there. But then, I see a lady about 50 feet away, speed-walking down the main corridor. Our eyes are locked and she is beelining straight towards me as she unhooks the largest wad of keys from her belt that I have ever seen.

She threw on her brakes right in front of the Jelly cabinet, never losing eye contact with me. Then rather loudly asked: “Which one do you want?” while she fumbled with what looked like hundreds of keys. Now, I am positive people are laughing over there. I can hear them. But when I look over there, they quickly look away.

It Keeps Getting Better

The key to the KY Jelly cabinet must have been labeled because she found it reasonably quick in the mass of keys. As she opened the door to the prized product, she asked rather loudly again: “Sir, do you know which one you want?” Behind me, I can hear obvious giggling, but respond to the Walmart Key Lady, I want the plain old-fashioned $5.00 kind. Then, edging her out of my way, I quickly found the cheap stuff which I think turned out to be $6.99. As I put the precious parcel in my cart alongside the Preparation H, I just had to ask the Key Lady: why all the security for KY Jelly? Have the meth dealers found a way to make meth with it? She said no sir, they are stealing it. I asked: who’s stealing it, the meth dealers? She laughed and said no sir it’s not meth dealers, it’s kids. I now had more questions but she didn’t have any more answers. So I assumed we were done, said thank you, and turned to go get groceries.

But, as she locked the gray cabinet she said: “wait a minute sir I’ll have to witness you paying for the KY Jelly as you check out.

You have got to be kidding! Now I’m talking rather loudly to the Key Lady. Maam please don’t kid around with me, I still have to buy groceries. The Key Lady promised me she was not kidding. I don’t remember this part very well, I may have thrown the KY Jelly at some point. I hope not. The Key Lady and I did get rather noisy but mostly civil. I could now hear and see people in the pharmacy waiting area laughing out loud.

Breaking Bad

I slowly turn around and face the crowd which probably numbered about fifty, not counting all the passers-by. In this crowd, there is most definitely a reasonable, albeit small percentage who know or at least are remotely acquainted with me. Everyone in the audience will know where I work and even see my name if they have pretty good eyesight. But I had had enough. I raised both my arms over my head and announced as loudly as I could: That’s right, I’m buying KY Jelly! I’m a 69-year-old man. Folks, I am buying KY Jelly. I then turned to the Key Lady and finished with: and “I’m Proud of it.”

There were people doubled over laughing as me and The Key Lady walked to the register and I made one final plea: Maam, I need to buy groceries, can I just pay for the KY Jelly when I check out with them. Are you going to walk around with me until I finish getting groceries? I’m thinking: I really don’t want to pay, leave, and then come back to buy my groceries. At this point, nothing would surprise me. The Key Lady’s tone changed and she quietly said: no sir, you don’t have to leave the store. You can just pay for the KY Jelly then go get your groceries. I recognized that tone. It was the same concluding tone as the Cart girl. Yes, it was………..pity.

Advice For Judgmental Church People

Shout Out To Walmart Employees

I need to say that the Walmart employees were just doing their job. It was a busy day and I am sure there are good reasons and things I don’t know concerning security. The Cart Girl and Key Lady were very tolerant of an upset old fart (me).